Listening to Understand

The Key to Connection in Work and Life

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Each week, we explore actionable ways to align your decisions, communication, and leadership with your core values. 

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Warmly, Susan

Listening to Understand

The Foundation of Meaningful Communication

Introduction: A Relatable Story

One of the policies I implemented while consulting with client companies served them and their employees well: every employee had access to me whenever I was on-site—no barriers or permissions required.

More often than not, employees came to me struggling with managing their relationship with their manager.

These managers, in turn, were likely navigating their challenges, working to integrate new behaviors and practices into their management approach.

My core belief is that people are intelligent, competent, and capable of solving their problems.

My role as a consultant wasn't to give them answers but to help them uncover their own.

At one of my client companies, I encouraged employees to stop by my office whenever they needed support. One day, a young man arrived, wild-eyed and frustrated. "Do I have to deal with my manager this way? He never listens to what I say."

After listening to him, it became clear that his frustration stemmed more from how he had approached the conversation and the reaction it caused and less from his manager's behavior.

In his confidence, he had moved from suggesting an idea to telling his manager what to do.

I understood his frustration but also saw why his manager might have reacted negatively.

To help him reflect and find a better approach, I asked a series of clarifying and empowering questions:

• How did your manager react to that?

• What might have been a better way to respond to his objection?

• How did your assuredness come across to him?

As he discussed his responses, the lightbulb went on. He realized that his delivery, not just his idea, had caused the breakdown in his communication.

The employee left the conversation clear and ready to re-engage with his manager. He never returned with the same complaint, nor did his manager, so I deemed the conversation successful.

Communication Beyond Words

Communication isn't just about exchanging information; it's about creating shared meaning.

While words are critical, much of our communication comes through nonverbal cues like tone, body language, and facial expressions.

Our words and actions can misalign even with the best intentions, leading to confusion or conflict.

To truly connect, we must listen beyond the words and understand what the other person needs from us.

A Framework for Meaningful Communication

1. Listen to Truly Understand

Listening isn't just about hearing—it's about understanding. Often, people don't want advice or solutions; they want to feel heard.

• Ask clarifying questions to dig deeper:

  • "What's the most important part of this for you?"

  • "Can you tell me more about what's making this difficult?"

• You can help validate the person's emotions without trying to "fix" the problem.

2. Ask Empowering Questions

Instead of jumping in with your answers and suggestions, guide the person to uncover their solutions. This guidance shows respect for their autonomy and builds confidence.

• Examples of empowering questions:

  • "What outcome are you hoping to achieve?"

  • "How do you see this playing out if you take that route?"

3. Clarify Needs Without Making Assumptions

Understanding what the person speaking to you truly needs is key. Are they seeking validation, support, brainstorming, or a listening ear?

• Practical examples:

  • "It sounds like you're looking for reassurance. Is that right?"

  • "Would it help if I gave feedback, or are you looking for ideas to consider?"

• By clarifying their needs, you can offer the right kind of support.

4. Align Tone and Delivery with Intent

How you say something matters as much as what you say. Mismatched delivery can undermine your message.

• Tip: Pause before responding to ensure your words and tone align with their needs.

• A calm tone, open posture, and thoughtful delivery indicate you are present and engaged.

5. Reflect and Build Shared Meaning

When paraphrasing and reflecting on what you've heard, you ensure your alignment with the speaker and build trust.

• Example: "I hear you're stuck but want to explore options. Does that capture it?"

Why This Framework Works

This approach to listening and communicating fosters better relationships, more apparent outcomes, and stronger connections.

You can create meaningful conversations that leave others feeling heard and valued by listening to understand, asking empowering questions, and clarifying needs.

A Final Thought

The young man in my story learned that his manager's inability to listen was not the problem—his approach needed to change.

By reflecting, asking the right questions, and communicating clearly, he transformed the interaction with his manager.

Focusing on understanding rather than reacting opened the door to deeper connection and more effective communication.