Authenticity Isn't Free—And Why I Still Choose It

Revisiting one of ValuesCrafting's most-read articles with new personal and professional stories that show the real costs and rewards of living your truth.

Last year, I wrote one of the most-read ValuesCrafting articles on becoming your authentic self. The response told me how deeply this topic resonates.

Since then, life has presented me with new situations and choices that have compelled me to embody those words in both personal and professional contexts.

New World Dawning

An entire category of conversations exists that I no longer have with people I love.

I find this sad, but inevitable. Our beliefs and values differ not so much in content or desired outcomes, though sometimes I wonder about this shared direction anymore.

But the methods we have chosen to implement and ensure their accomplishment have changed radically.

Predictably, the lack of conversation is not because we've run out of things to say, but rather, the risk of expressing my true beliefs on particular topics feels too high.

It's a quiet loss, one that's easy to hide, but it's hard to live with when I cherish sharing my authentic self with the people I care about.

When Views Diverge

For years, I've held a deeply held view on an issue that runs entirely counter to my family's and most of my friends' viewpoints.

It's not a casual opinion I could change to make my life easier. It's rooted in my values, my experiences, my beliefs, and how I view the world.

It's rooted in my wish to strip away the window dressing in favor of a belief system that, so far, is playing out just as I hoped.

In today's climate of separation, certain topics feel like tripwires. A headline, a passing remark, or a casual conversation can shift instantly into a debate.

A Facebook post, the likes it generates, and the comments that follow are just one of the ways that I am aware of how much my opinion differs from the norms expressed in my social circle.

Casual comments made off the cuff add to the discomfort because the maker cannot imagine that my views may differ radically from theirs.

In these turbulent times, I gravitate toward people to whom I can safely express my sincerely held beliefs.

My late husband closely shared my views, so my loss of his companionship in our shared meaning was another blow to my ability to interact with authenticity.

The Fork in the Road

I've faced that fork in the road at other times. My choices boiled down to:

• Pretend to agree and thus, preserve the peace.

• Stay silent and let the moment pass without engaging in the act of disagreement.

• Or, speak the truth as I experienced it and live with the consequences.

In the past, I've chosen authenticity, even knowing what it might cost. I don't try to persuade or win anyone over; in my experience, this rarely works.

But I refuse to betray what I believe by pretending I feel differently.

An early-career example still stands out to me. The teachers in my district went on strike, citing the familiar mix of reasons: higher pay, smaller class sizes, and the claim that these changes would ultimately improve education for the children.

I crossed the picket line to teach my young students. Why? Because for me, their continuity and care mattered more than a few extra dollars in my paycheck, and more than joining a cause I didn't believe in.

Years later, I faced a similar decision in a consulting role.

I was managing a series of team-building sessions for a university department struggling to integrate and appreciate their new department head, an outsider.

After several sessions, the staff told me they were feeling more positive about him and ready to give him a chance.

But based on their tone, body language, and side conversations, I knew this wasn't true. They wanted one of their own in the role, and as long as that tension existed, I doubted they would ever truly accept the new director's leadership.

I could have continued the team-building for months on the off chance it would help.

I could have offered him alternative strategies for winning them over.

Or I could tell him what I authentically believed: that unless he wanted years of battles, it might be wiser for him to move on.

I chose honesty.

He listened, thanked me, and soon after activated his network. Within weeks, he secured a significantly better position with higher pay, greater acceptance, and a supportive team.

The university department staff? They got the insider they wanted as their new director. Whether that choice served them well is another story.

The Result in the Current Climate

The result of my hesitation to bring my authentic self to many current discussions?

Many conversations my friends, family, and I used to have about national issues, policy, the future, and the correct means for remedying problems have disappeared entirely.

We stick to safer ground. We often talk about our favorite movies and streaming programs. Grandchildren are another safe subject.

On the surface, it keeps the peace. Underneath, a gap in my ability to share authentically exists, which I can feel—deeply.

Authenticity isn't free. Sometimes it means fewer opportunities to connect. Sometimes it means losing the ease of shared discussion.

But I've learned that giving up certain conversations is far easier than giving up myself.

We can't control whether others accept our truth, or even whether we are safe to express it, but we can decide whether we want to live it authentically.

In the end, authenticity is less about the moments we get right and more about the choices we're willing to stand by, even when they cost us something.

Bringing It Home

Authenticity comes with a price tag. The question is whether the cost of living your truth is higher or lower than the cost of hiding it. What does that balance look like for you?

In case you missed it:
This update grew out of one of the most-read ValuesCrafting articles from the past year. Many of you told me it struck a chord, so I’m including the original here for anyone who’d like to revisit (or visit for the first time) where this conversation began.

5 Barriers to Becoming Your Authentic Self

Have you ever wondered why, even though we strive for authenticity, we often hide behind carefully crafted personas, the constructed person we want the world to see? These masks aren't who we truly are, but they serve a purpose—they help us get what we need.

Here are five key reasons we need to hide our authentic selves—some or all of the time. Other reasons exist, but this article highlights areas we can address without deeply exploring psychology and sociology.

Fear and Vulnerability

The key reason is that we're afraid. Fear is often at the core of why we hide our true selves. We're so scared of judgment, rejection, and failure that vulnerability feels risky. But acting from a place of fear and vulnerability keeps us stuck in an insincere world, as we hesitate to share honest opinions or take a stand for our beliefs.

When being rejected and judged by our colleagues and friends is more important than admitting that we made a mistake or lied by omission or commission, we won't build the trust we need to make progress.

Fear and vulnerability prevent people from admitting they didn't keep a commitment or failed to do what they said they would.

For example, a person might avoid expressing their true feelings to a friend about a recurring issue in their relationship, fearing it might cause conflict or lead to rejection. They continue to suppress their emotions, which strains the friendship over time.

In the work setting, an employee hesitates to share a new idea in a team meeting because they fear being judged or rejected by their colleagues. Instead, they keep their thoughts to themselves, even though their idea could significantly improve the project.

When we hide behind a persona that protects our fear and vulnerability, we cannot be our authentic selves, and we experience distrust in our relationships.

Can you think of a time when your fear interfered with your ability to share your authentic self?

Desire for Approval and for People to Like Us

A second reason we hide our authentic selves from others is that we want people to like us and people who are important to us to approve of us, our beliefs, and our actions. We seek validation from others rather than trusting and understanding our authentic meaning.

Seeking approval means betraying our values to align with others' expectations. This constant search for validation pulls us away from who we are. Both harm our authenticity when we seek external validation.

For example, at a family party, when the discussion inevitably turns to the next election, you claim you are undecided while knowing precisely the candidate who will get your vote.

In another scenario, a manager avoids giving honest feedback that works to a team member because they want to be liked and avoid conflict. Instead, they provide vague, non-constructive comments, which ultimately hamper the team member's growth and performance—but they retain them as friends.

Similarly, in another work setting, you may accept the solution the group is reaching a consensus on while vehemently disagreeing internally.

Our desire for people to like and approve of us seriously hampers the honesty needed to build trust and act authentically.

Wanting to Fit In Personally and Socially

Another reason we refrain from acting authentically is because we want to fit in and appear to think, feel, and act in a way that our society or peer groups generally accept.

We want others to agree with our beliefs and actions to validate our thinking. The need to fit in is why we test to see which way the wind is blowing before sharing anything we authentically believe, especially in difficult conversations.

Consider how often you nod in agreement in a meeting, even when you have a different opinion, to avoid standing out. Or, avoid talking with a family member you know holds a different view?

Talking to and sharing with people we know feel and believe similarly is much easier. However, this affects our ability to expand our knowledge, understand different viewpoints, and possibly change our minds—or theirs.

Seeking similar outlooks limits our authenticity when we give constructive feedback. It also limits our ability to beneficially participate in conversations about politics, spirituality, current events, and fundamental beliefs. We seek similarities, not differences, which might help us learn and grow.

In another example, a person joins a Zumba class because it's popular among friends, even though they know they prefer TaiChi. They go along with it to feel included but don't enjoy it. Eventually, they stop attending, defeating their desire to get fit.

Wanting to fit in is a powerful inhibitor to becoming your authentic self. Can you think of a time when you were not authentically you because you tried to fit in with your colleagues?

Self-Esteem and Perfectionism

In addition to our desire for approval, lack of self-esteem and perfectionism stem from our sense of inadequacy. Perfectionism is often a coping mechanism for low self-esteem. It can be a shield to protect ourselves from criticism, a way to prove we're 'good enough'—yet it often stems from a deep sense of inadequacy.

For example, someone might spend hours editing a personal blog post or social media update, trying to make it "perfect" because they fear it will not be well-received. This perfectionism prevents them from sharing their authentic self and voice and enjoying the creative process.

Employees constantly overwork themselves, staying late and taking on more tasks than necessary, trying to prove they are good enough. Their perfectionism, driven by low self-esteem, leads to burnout and affects their performance and well-being.

Our self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a barrier to authenticity because our attention is directed internally at how we feel and not at gaining information about the people and situations we must cope with in our environment.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

At the same time, from the time we are young, the people around us teach us to conform to societal norms—what behaviors are acceptable, how success is defined, and which emotions are appropriate to express. These norms often come at the expense of our true, authentic selves.

The desire to conform to cultural expectations can lead to hiding our authentic beliefs, especially when they conflict with what society deems "normal" or "acceptable."

The media and popular culture reinforce societal pressures, often dictating what is desirable or successful. This constant messaging can lead us to adopt personas that align with societal expectations rather than our values.

For instance, we might hold back from apologizing, admitting fault, or showing vulnerability because colleagues see these actions as signs of weakness in the workplace. Or, we might find ourselves apologizing, rather than sticking to our opinion, in a discussion with our partner after offering an honest appraisal of the situation that did not match theirs.

In a workplace where the culture prioritizes constant availability and long hours, an employee might feel pressured to stay late or answer emails after hours, even if they value work-life balance.

They conform to this expectation to fit in and have colleagues see them as dedicated workers, even though it conflicts with their personal beliefs about maintaining a healthy balance between work and home.

The Power of Why on Our Personas

Understanding these external pressures allows us to see how much they influence our actions and thoughts. Once we recognize the power of these forces and their impact on the persona we adopt, we can reconnect with our authentic selves.

The personas we adopt are protective, even beneficial, but don't mistake them for your authentic self. Take a moment and think about your own experiences with authenticity. In mastering authenticity, what key component of authenticity would you choose to improve?

Your presence here means more than I can say. Thank you for being part of ValuesCrafting. Every time you read, reflect, and put these ideas into practice, you’re helping create a world where values guide actions—and that’s something worth sharing.