Barriers to Becoming Your Authentic Self

Navigating Fear, the Need for Approval, and Self-Doubt

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Today's article is a quick seven-minute read—you're welcome. We've listened to your feedback, and this main article focuses on the five key barriers that often prevent people from projecting their authentic selves.

We've also added resources that challenge the idea of an "authentic self." Are we genuinely authentic, or do we adapt and change depending on the situations we encounter?

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Looking ahead to September, we'll explore the values we express in our relationships—whether with friends, family, or colleagues. It's not just about hugs and family text messages, though those are great, too.

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5 Barriers to Becoming Your Authentic Self

Have you ever wondered why, even though we strive for authenticity, we often hide behind carefully crafted personas, the constructed person we want the world to see? These masks aren't who we truly are, but they serve a purpose—they help us get what we need.

Here are five key reasons we need to hide our authentic selves—some or all of the time. Other reasons exist, but this article highlights areas we can address without deeply exploring psychology and sociology.

Fear and Vulnerability

The key reason is that we're afraid. Fear is often at the core of why we hide our true selves. We're so scared of judgment, rejection, and failure that vulnerability feels risky. But acting from a place of fear and vulnerability keeps us stuck in an insincere world, as we hesitate to share honest opinions or take a stand for our beliefs.

When being rejected and judged by our colleagues and friends is more important than admitting that we made a mistake or lied by omission or commission, we won't build the trust we need to make progress.

Fear and vulnerability prevent people from admitting they didn't keep a commitment or failed to do what they said they would.

For example, a person might avoid expressing their true feelings to a friend about a recurring issue in their relationship, fearing it might cause conflict or lead to rejection. They continue to suppress their emotions, which strains the friendship over time.

In the work setting, an employee hesitates to share a new idea in a team meeting because they fear being judged or rejected by their colleagues. Instead, they keep their thoughts to themselves, even though their idea could significantly improve the project.

When we hide behind a persona that protects our fear and vulnerability, we cannot be our authentic selves, and we experience distrust in our relationships.

Can you think of a time when your fear interfered with your ability to share your authentic self?

Desire for Approval and for People to Like Us

A second reason we hide our authentic selves from others is that we want people to like us and people who are important to us to approve of us, our beliefs, and our actions. We seek validation from others rather than trusting and understanding our authentic meaning.

Seeking approval means betraying our values to align with others' expectations. This constant search for validation pulls us away from who we are. Both harm our authenticity when we seek external validation.

For example, at a family party, when the discussion inevitably turns to the next election, you claim you are undecided while knowing precisely the candidate who will get your vote.

In another scenario, a manager avoids giving honest feedback that works to a team member because they want to be liked and avoid conflict. Instead, they provide vague, non-constructive comments, which ultimately hamper the team member's growth and performance—but they retain them as friends.

Similarly, in another work setting, you may accept the solution the group is reaching a consensus on while vehemently disagreeing internally.

Our desire for people to like and approve of us seriously hampers the honesty needed to build trust and act authentically.

Wanting to Fit In Personally and Socially

Another reason we refrain from acting authentically is because we want to fit in and appear to think, feel, and act in a way that our society or peer groups generally accept.

We want others to agree with our beliefs and actions to validate our thinking. The need to fit in is why we test to see which way the wind is blowing before sharing anything we authentically believe, especially in difficult conversations.

Consider how often you nod in agreement in a meeting, even when you have a different opinion, to avoid standing out. Or, avoid talking with a family member you know holds a different view?

Talking to and sharing with people we know feel and believe similarly is much easier. However, this affects our ability to expand our knowledge, understand different viewpoints, and possibly change our minds—or theirs.

Seeking similar outlooks limits our authenticity when we give constructive feedback. It also limits our ability to beneficially participate in conversations about politics, spirituality, current events, and fundamental beliefs. We seek similarities, not differences, which might help us learn and grow.

In another example, a person joins a Zumba class because it's popular among friends, even though they know they prefer TaiChi. They go along with it to feel included but don't enjoy it. Eventually, they stop attending, defeating their desire to get fit.

Wanting to fit in is a powerful inhibitor to becoming your authentic self. Can you think of a time when you were not authentically you because you tried to fit in with your colleagues?

Self-Esteem and Perfectionism

In addition to our desire for approval, lack of self-esteem and perfectionism stem from our sense of inadequacy. Perfectionism is often a coping mechanism for low self-esteem. It can be a shield to protect ourselves from criticism, a way to prove we're 'good enough'—yet it often stems from a deep sense of inadequacy.

For example, someone might spend hours editing a personal blog post or social media update, trying to make it "perfect" because they fear it will not be well-received. This perfectionism prevents them from sharing their authentic self and voice and enjoying the creative process.

Employees constantly overwork themselves, staying late and taking on more tasks than necessary, trying to prove they are good enough. Their perfectionism, driven by low self-esteem, leads to burnout and affects their performance and well-being.

Our self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a barrier to authenticity because our attention is directed internally at how we feel and not at gaining information about the people and situations we must cope with in our environment.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

At the same time, from the time we are young, the people around us teach us to conform to societal norms—what behaviors are acceptable, how success is defined, and which emotions are appropriate to express. These norms often come at the expense of our true, authentic selves.

The desire to conform to cultural expectations can lead to hiding our authentic beliefs, especially when they conflict with what society deems "normal" or "acceptable."

The media and popular culture reinforce societal pressures, often dictating what is desirable or successful. This constant messaging can lead us to adopt personas that align with societal expectations rather than our values.

For instance, we might hold back from apologizing, admitting fault, or showing vulnerability because colleagues see these actions as signs of weakness in the workplace. Or, we might find ourselves apologizing, rather than sticking to our opinion, in a discussion with our partner after offering an honest appraisal of the situation that did not match theirs.

In a workplace where the culture prioritizes constant availability and long hours, an employee might feel pressured to stay late or answer emails after hours, even if they value work-life balance.

They conform to this expectation to fit in and have colleagues see them as dedicated workers, even though it conflicts with their personal beliefs about maintaining a healthy balance between work and home.

The Power of Why on Our Personas

Understanding these external pressures allows us to see how much they influence our actions and thoughts. Once we recognize the power of these forces and their impact on the persona we adopt, we can reconnect with our authentic selves.

The personas we adopt are protective, even beneficial, but don't mistake them for your authentic self. Take a moment and think about your own experiences with authenticity. In mastering authenticity, what key component of authenticity would you choose to improve?

ValuesCrafting Compass: Curated Resources for Value-Driven People

These curated resources provide valuable perspectives on authenticity from the perspective that an authentic self might not exist. We benefit from our adaptability. Explore them to deepen your understanding and application of this fundamental value.

“Authenticity under Fire” by Scott Barry Kaufman in Scientific American explores the concept of the authentic self. Does it truly exist, or is what we refer to as our "true self" simply the aspects of ourselves that make us feel the best about who we are?

Kaufman reaches several conclusions, including that for healthy authenticity, we must shed our "positivity biases" and embrace the full complexity of who we are, in all our contradictory and multifaceted splendor. I enjoyed this article and hope you will, too.

"Stop Looking for Your Authentic Self" by David Hanscom, MD, in Psychology Today, argues that your authentic self is right in front of you—it's the version of you that is actively responding to whatever situation you're facing. He suggests authenticity is when your words, actions, and behaviors consistently align with your core identity.

The challenge, however, lies in determining whether your core identity reflects who you truly are or who you think you need to be in a given situation. Does it express your genuine internal feelings, or is it shaped by what you believe the world wants to see? Another thought-provoking read.

Essentials for New ValuesCrafting Readers

• What Exactly Are Core Values? Core values are traits, integrities, or qualities that are not just worthwhile. They represent an individual or an organization’s highest priorities, deeply held beliefs, and core, fundamental driving forces.

• 12 Deeply Held Beliefs: Explore the deeply held foundational values, beliefs, and principles that underlie the information and approaches recommended on ValuesCrafting and at SusanHeathfield.com.

• The ValuesCrafting Journey: Especially for people in positions that influence the actions of other people, this is the story behind ValuesCrafting and my own journey with values-based living, writing, and consulting.