How To Talk To Yourself Like Someone Who Matters
Simple strategies to shift your self-talk from critic to compassionate coach
On a chilly January morning in St. Petersburg, I gaze at the endless sea. Photo by Wendy Hamilton. Even here, my inner voice kept me company, quietly nudging me forward.
How To Talk To Yourself Like Someone Who Matters
Simple strategies to shift your self-talk from critic to compassionate coach
Want to turn the little voice in your head into your staunchest supporter, best friend, and reliable cheerleader? You can if you coach it to support your hopes and dreams.
Left to meander, it can derail your progress, drain your dreams, and deliver criticism harsher than anything you'll hear from the outside world.
Most of us carry on a conversation all day long inside our heads. My earliest remembered conversations date from age 12, when I was struggling with teenhood and an emerging young woman.
Oh, how I wish I had known then what I know now.
That inner voice may sound like encouragement or criticism. It may be steady and supportive, or feel like a relentless judge or critic.
Self-talk isn't just background noise. It's a window into how you perceive yourself, what you believe you deserve, and how well your values align with your day-to-day experiences.
Let's explore how to make your self-talk not only kinder but also more consistent in supporting you to attain the life you say you want to live.
What Is Self-Talk and Does Everyone Experience It?
After years of telling audiences to listen to the little voice inside their heads, I learned that not everyone experiences this phenomenon.
This experience is why an occasional person looked at me as if I had just sprouted horns when I said this.
Some experience what I do: a constant flow of dialogue and self-talk, sometimes accompanied by images.
Some hear internal speech. Others think in pictures or symbols. Some may experience both, or neither.
According to Scientific American, "recent evidence suggests that people vary widely in the extent to which they experience inner speech, from an almost constant patter to a virtual absence of self-talk."
Not everyone has a steady inner voice. In fact, science is only just beginning to explore the extent to which people vary in their internal experiences.
This new research by cognitive scientists Gary Lupyan and Johanne Nedergaard suggests that these differences aren't just quirks—they affect how we think and solve problems.
People with a strong inner voice tend to do better on memory and verbal tasks. They're also quicker to make sound decisions when language plays a role.
Inner speech is not just commentary; it can also serve as a cognitive tool.
Still, even those who experience less inner dialogue can find workarounds. In one study, participants who lacked inner speech performed better when they were encouraged to talk aloud, suggesting that externalizing the inner process can be just as powerful.
This growing body of research invites a fresh perspective: we don't all experience our minds the same way. Some of us find clarity in words.
Others need space, images, or silence to navigate the world.
What matters most is learning to work with what you have, and if you do hear a voice inside, to train it to support the life you want to live.
What matters isn't how your inner voice shows up, but how it treats you.
Whether you hear your voice, see mental pictures, or feel an intuitive tug, your inner experience shapes how you act, respond, and recover.
Why Self-Talk Matters for Living Your Values
Self-talk is often our first response to a challenge or success. If we claim to value kindness or integrity, do we extend those same values inward?
Negative self-talk is common, but if left unchecked, it becomes corrosive, undermining your confidence, creativity, and courage.
You wouldn't tell a friend, "You always screw things up." So why is that statement acceptable inside your own mind?
The Impact of Negative Self-Talk
According to Psychology Today and Healthline, depression, anxiety, poor body image, and relationship issues are all linked to persistent negative inner speech.
It's not "truth." It's often an internalized voice of doubt, fear, or past hurt.
You can challenge, change, and retrain your negative self-talk.
Left unchallenged, negative self-talk doesn't just echo your fears; it shapes your future.
Bringing Self-Talk to Life: A Personal Reflection
At another crossroads in my life, my inner voice urged me to take a chance.
It wanted me to share a class I was terrified to teach: a workshop for mid-level GM managers that could make or break my candidacy for a job I badly wanted.
Rather than covering expected topics such as listening or employee motivation, at my interview presentation, I took a risk. I taught them how to enter contests and sweepstakes.
My logical side said it was a gamble. I was afraid.
However, internally, I had faith in my daring. The quirky topic worked beyond my wildest imagination.
And it reminded me: self-talk isn't just encouragement. It's often the courage behind the action.
When I considered starting my consulting business, my internal voice nearly failed me. I knew I could deliver what clients needed, but I wasn't sure I could sell myself as the provider.
Do you hear the common theme? I was making my consulting services all about me, my needs, my concerns, and my fears.
Once I shifted my focus to all about them, I had valuable tools and information they needed. I didn't need to sell myself; I just offered the information they needed to make their organization succeed.
I pictured a successful consultant surrounded by engaged, grateful participants. I used that image to guide my thoughts and actions.
A Second Personal Reflection
In a second personal story, presenting my first scheduled speech terrified me.
Examining the terror, I realized that, once again, I was causing it by making the speech all about me—how I looked, how I'd sound, and whether I'd trip on the microphone cord.
Both real and imagined nightmares filled my mind. And, I paused and listened to the voice inside my head that said, "Take a minute to see the problem, Susan."
You're making this speech all about yourself. In reality, it's all about the client.
You have the information they need to improve their interpersonal interactions, which will enhance their organization's chances of success.
You know what you are here to tell them works because you have repeatedly seen it succeed in other organizations.
When I shifted my focus from fear to purpose, I was able to help my client grow and thrive. That reframing changed everything. And, it changed my life.
Self-Talk and The Loss of My Husband
Even now, after losing my beloved husband Bill, my inner voice gently reminds me to cherish what we built and to be open to what's next.
Some days, it steadies me. Other days, it gently moves me forward.
I am unlikely to find solace or thrive in grief recovery groups, get-togethers for widows and widowers established by meaning-well people.
Nor will I ever be interested in book clubs, walking groups, and especially, much-loved by some, game days at restaurants and in environments such as senior centers; I dislike them. Shall I add, intensely?
My inner voice is not shouting. It's not pushing me faster than I want to go.
It walks inside me, quietly saying: You can still grow. You can still give. You can still live.
You will find the people, adventures, and activities that will once again make your heart sing.
I trust my inner voice. It has rarely failed me.
Those experiences taught me something essential: supportive self-talk can be learned. And the more it reflects your values, the stronger a guide it becomes.
Aligning Your Self-Talk with Your Values
If you want to align your self-talk with the values you espouse, do the following:
Notice:
Tune into your internal script, which you run every day in your head.
Ask yourself: Would I say this to someone I love?
Is this how I want to live out my values?
Does your self-talk support you or hinder your progress?
You can change your self-talk to support the future you better.
Create Distance:
Distancing is a powerful, research-backed strategy called "self-distancing" or "distanced self-talk." Instead of thinking "I'm so overwhelmed" or "I can't do this," you say:
"Susan, you've handled tougher situations. One step at a time."
Or, in another scenario: Your self-talk says: I'm such an idiot for forgetting that.
Try saying instead:
Susan, mistakes happen. What matters is how you respond next.
It's not just a language trick—it changes how your brain processes the challenge.
Among other positive reasons for using distancing, it mimics how you'd talk to a friend: It's like coaching yourself instead of judging yourself.
It activates your brain differently: It shifts your brain away from "fight or flight" and into more constructive problem-solving.
Replace Negative Self-Talk with Value-Based Truths:
When you catch negative talk, replace it with your value-based truth:
"I made a mistake. That doesn't make me a failure."
"This was brave. Even if no one sees it, I know I acted with integrity."
"I can't do this." Try: "You've been here before, Susan. Breathe and move forward."
Make Helpful Self-Talk Part of Your Practice
Small, consistent actions can help you shift your inner self-talk from critic to loving coach:
Write a journal filled with kindness for yourself:
Write down one thing you did well and one phrase you wish someone had said to you today.
Write down essential dreams and reminders that are fleeting unless captured.
Use visual reminders:
Stick a Post-it on your mirror or laptop that says something like, "Speak to yourself with the grace you offer others."
Practice short kindness meditations:
Spend 2–3 minutes repeating silently, "May I be kind to myself in this moment."
Reflect weekly:
Ask yourself: "Was my inner voice a friend or a critic this week?"
Then adjust accordingly.
Using these techniques helps align your self-talk with your values—you're treating yourself with the same dignity, encouragement, and perspective you'd offer someone else. That's integrity in action.
These small shifts build a habit of supportive self-talk—one that aligns with your values and helps you live more intentionally.
Summing Up Self-Talk
What we say to ourselves matters more than we think.
If you want to live by your values, start with the voice you hear most often—your own.
Self-talk isn't fluff—it's the voice that shapes your decisions, your direction, and your days. When it reflects your values, it becomes one of your greatest allies.
If you're working to live with greater intention, start by being mindful of the words you speak to yourself.
Turn that voice into a partner who believes in your best self, even when you forget how to.
Your Self-Talk Defines Your Life
What does your self-talk sound like today, and does it reflect the way you want to live?
Does it support the life you want to lead—or hold you back from it?
You don't have to silence your inner voice.
You have to teach it how to speak to you with the same kindness and courage you offer others.
Because your self-talk doesn’t just reflect your values—it reveals them.
Start there. That's how you make your values come to life.
Bringing It Home
You may not be preparing a speech, starting a business, or facing the loss of a lifelong partner. But every day, you meet moments when your inner voice shapes what happens next.
It might be during a hard conversation, a project you’re not sure you can finish, or a quiet evening when self‑doubt slips in. The way you speak to yourself in those moments determines whether you move forward with steadiness or stall in uncertainty.
Supportive self‑talk isn’t reserved for “big” life events—it’s the companion you carry into every choice, every relationship, every challenge. When your inner voice reflects your values, it becomes your greatest ally in living them.
You being here means the world to me. Thank you for reading ValuesCrafting.
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