How To Know When You’re Drifting From Truth—and Find Your Way Back

Integrity isn’t about perfection—it’s about noticing when we soften, rationalize, or embellish, and choosing truth instead.

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Sometimes the first sign we’re drifting from truth is that quiet, unsettled feeling inside.

How To Know When You’re Drifting From Truth—and Find Your Way Back

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with an unsettled feeling—knowing you didn't tell the whole truth?

That's what this piece is about.

Truth is the basis of integrity, honesty, and a solid core value fundamental to a fulfilling life.

My earlier article (below), the third most popular on ValuesCrafting from the past year, highlighted six common behaviors that undermine trust.

That article looked at the outward signs—the things others see. Today's looks inward: the subtle ways we know, within ourselves, when we're drifting from the truth.

My original plan was to incorporate more untrustworthy behaviors based on experiences I've had since writing the piece.

What's not to love about identifying more ways in which people break the bond of trust? Right?

Not so right. What is missing is a discussion of the core issue of honesty and truthfulness, and how I know when I am faithfully adhering to my best, most truthful self.

In our world, this is the starting point for knowing ourselves and letting our words have meaning when we share them with the world.

Knowing When We're Not Telling the Truth

We always know, deep down inside, when we're not telling the whole truth.

Sometimes this knowing shows up as a hesitation before we answer a question, or we tell a story that comes out longer than necessary.

We embellish the story with details that the other person may not need to know, or even care about, such as a detailed picture of the incident we describe.

Other times, we experience a restless feeling afterward, the sense that we've left something out or softened what we really needed to say.

Truth stands on its own; it never needs rehearsal or embellishment. It just is.

When we find ourselves shaping, polishing, or explaining too much, it's worth pausing.

These may be the first signs we're deluding ourselves—and the cost of not noticing our deception can be greater than we think.

How We Know We're Deluding Ourselves

The simplest test of our truthfulness is this: when we're telling the truth, we say it. We may choose our words with kindness and tact to avoid hurt or resistance, but we are upfront.

When our minds turn in another direction or add thought steps, we may be deluding ourselves about our truthfulness.

These signs are worthy of our attention. They signal us that we may not be wholly truthful:

• We start turning the message over in our minds, trying to shape, massage, polish, or rehearse it. But truth is always simple—it doesn't require practice.

• We overexplain or provide "too much story" instead of a simple answer. When we go on and on for no reason, we may attempt to cover up a simple story.

• Suppose we catch ourselves minimizing the circumstances ("It's not that big a deal…") or rationalizing. In these cases, we miss the reality of what occurred.

• We repeat the same explanation several times as if rehearsing to convince ourselves.

• We feel uneasy, restless, or guilty afterward. Troubled consciences bear attention. They're talking with us.

These may seem like small slips—but they carry weight. Left unchecked, they reshape how we see ourselves and how others experience us.

The Consequences of Ignoring Untruths

The moment we notice ourselves rehearsing or rationalizing, we have a chance to stop. That pause itself is powerful—it's the doorway back to integrity.

When we let those small untruths slide, even just with ourselves, the cost is real.

We chip away at our self-trust until one day we're not sure if we can even believe our own words.

Most importantly, we lose the ability to differentiate between what really happened and "our truth."

We create distance in relationships, not always because of what we did, but because others can sense when something feels off. They sense something is off even when they can't put their finger on it.

We also exhaust ourselves trying to keep our stories straight and remember what we told whom, using energy that could have been spent living with peace and commitment.

The Core of the Truth

Integrity doesn't come from being flawless. It comes from noticing when we're tempted to adjust, embellish, or minimize, and bringing ourselves gently back to center.

There's a difference between choosing words with kindness and avoiding the truth altogether. One builds connection; the other erodes it.

The truth is the truth.

It needs no rehearsal, no excess explanation, no cover. When we live from that place of truth, we not only earn trust from others, but we also give ourselves the gift of alignment.

We walk more lightly, speak more freely, and know that our words and our hearts match.

Closing

Think back to the last time you caught yourself overexplaining. What were you really avoiding saying?

Living with integrity isn't about perfection—it's about paying attention to those small cues that tell us when we've drifted from the truth.

We can notice the moment we start rehearsing, rationalizing, or softening too much. In that case, we can gently bring ourselves back before the damage is done.

The truth may not always be comfortable, but it is always freeing.

When we choose truth—imperfect, sometimes uncomfortable truth—we strengthen trust not just with others, but with ourselves. And that trust is the foundation for a life of integrity.

This week, pay attention to those small moments when you’re tempted to soften, rationalize, or overexplain. What changes when you choose truth instead?

Since I mentioned it above, here’s that earlier article in full. It explores six everyday behaviors that quietly destroy trust, lessons worth revisiting.

6 Common Behaviors That Quietly Destroy Trust

Behaviors That Erode Trust in the Workplace and at Home

For trust to exist in an organization, senior leaders, managers, and employees must be transparent in their intentions, direction, actions, communication, feedback, and problem-solving.

Because transparency is a challenge in many organizations (and families), here are six additional ways people unintentionally destroy trust through failure to demonstrate integrity, whether in the workplace or at home

1. Tell Lies of Omission or Commission

In lies of commission, people don't tell the truth, often to deceive or confuse others. When perceived to come from leaders, these lies have a powerful impact on a whole organization. But you can destroy coworker relationships with lies of commission. A lie is a lie.

A lie of omission is a deliberate attempt to deceive another person by omitting portions of the truth. It is particularly egregious because it gives people false impressions and attempts to influence behavior by omitting important details.

For example, in a client company, a senior manager wanted to foster employee optimism by sharing an overly optimistic sales outlook but omitted key variables that could impact the forecast. After repeatedly missing sales targets, staff no longer believed the projections because they no longer trusted them.

Lies from Senior Leaders Are the Worst

Once again, the more influential the perpetrator of the lie is in the organization, the more trust is affected. When leaders deceive, the breach of trust can demoralize an entire organization, leaving employees disillusioned and disengaged. But anyone can derail their career using this deception ploy when caught.

If you're not telling the whole truth, if your discussion requires preparation and wordsmithing, if you need to memorize the details to ensure that your story stays the same, you are probably lying. At the least, part of your story is a lie. Untrustworthy people derail their careers.

2. Failure to Walk the Talk

No matter the work process, cultural expectation, management style, or change initiative, failing to walk the talk will destroy trust. Leaders who don't model the values they expect from their team create deep distrust.

Words are easy; your behavior demonstrates your expectations in action and causes employees to trust you. When actions and words are misaligned, employees or family members need help relying on your integrity.

This misalignment can occur subtly—promising openness and then withholding information or advocating teamwork but not following through on shared responsibilities, for instance.

You can't state that participative management and employee empowerment are your organization's desired forms of leadership unless you demonstrate these expectations in your everyday actions. Customer service is a joke if your people label a complaining customer "wrong" or "a jerk."

A manager claims to prioritize employee well-being but regularly overworks their staff without acknowledgment. At home, a parent encourages honesty but lies in personal matters.

3. Failing to Keep Your Word

Few employees expect that every statement, goal, or projection you make will come true. You anticipate no layoffs this quarter. We will hire ten new employees this quarter. These are all predictions, but when you set an actual expectation with an employee, you need to come through as promised.

For example, at a client university, an employee worked at the reception desk alone, a temporary fix until they filled the open position with a second receptionist. They promised to replace the missing receptionist by the end of the first quarter.

Instead, it took two years because of budget cuts and the employee responded by quietly quitting, still on the job but offering no discretionary energy.

If you make a statement, commitment, or projection, employees expect what you said to happen. You destroy trust if the result never occurs. You can avoid destroying trust by communicating honestly and frequently about the following:

• how you set the initial goal,

• what is interfering with the accomplishment of the initial goal,

• how and why your projection has changed,

• what employees can expect going forward, and

• how you will avoid similar miscalls in the future?

Honest communication is critical in building trust with employees, coworkers, and families.

4. Inconsistent Decision-Making

Making random, haphazard, unexpected changes for no apparent reason harms trust. While keeping employees off balance may sound like an effective approach to creating agility in your organization, random change produces the opposite effect.

People get used to their comfortable way of doing things. They get used to the boss's everyday mood when they arrive at the office. They expect no consequences when they miss deadlines—because there have never been any.

It would help if you clearly communicated any change, and the rationale for the change must be clear. A starting date for implementation and participation from employees whose jobs are affected by the change will prevent you from destroying trust.

A leader who regularly shifts goals without explanation leaves their team frustrated and unsure of priorities. In your personal life, frequently changing plans or rules with family members causes similar frustration and confusion.

A sincere and thoughtful demonstration that the change is well-thought-out and not arbitrary will help employees trust you. Explaining a shift in mood or a different approach goes a long way toward preventing the destruction of trust.

5. Blame-Shifting

Leaders and individuals who refuse to take accountability and instead point fingers damage trust in professional and personal environments. The inability to own up to mistakes shows a lack of integrity and responsibility, which are key components of trust.

As discussed in my previous article on lapses in integrity, blaming others rather than taking responsibility ensures that people won't trust you because you don't have their backs.

For instance, if a project fails, the leader may blame their team instead of taking responsibility, which can cause resentment and a loss of trust. Similarly, avoiding responsibility for mistakes can damage respect and trust in personal relationships.

6. Withholding Information

Transparency is crucial to maintaining trust. When people deliberately withhold information—whether to manipulate outcomes or maintain control—they create suspicion.

People feel disconnected and unimportant when people hide critical information from them. In the workplace, withholding news of upcoming changes until the last minute breeds confusion and frustration. Failing to share important decisions about finances or family plans at home undermines trust in relationships.

Your presence here means more than I can say. Thank you for being part of ValuesCrafting. Every time you read, reflect, and put these ideas into practice, you’re helping create a world where values guide actions—and that’s something worth sharing.