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I still enjoy my coffee alone. I’m also learning to ask, “Would you like to get coffee next week?”
Lately, I’ve been making friends.
Not deep friendships yet, but reaching out to people has become a priority.
Making and keeping friends hasn’t been a strong point of mine since high school. I worked my way through college, lost friends who took sides after my first marriage ended, and built two companies with my husband Bill.
We spent much of our leisure time with employees at company gatherings, many of which we hosted at our home. I also have six siblings and an exceptionally large extended family. Keeping up with them has always mattered to me—and this takes time.
My life was full of people. I rarely made time specifically for friendship. Since Bill died, I’ve noticed how much I miss the easy familiarity of being expected somewhere or having someone I can call and say, “Would you like to go?”
I still do well alone. I’m also finding that I enjoy making plans with people more than I used to think I would.
Give yourself a reason to see someone again
I got to know my neighbor Denise through walking Percy. He loves playing with her, and when she takes him out, he comes home tired and happy and settles near my feet. One week she brought me chili. Another evening she brought me apple pie her husband, Scott, had made for my dinner.
Another neighbor, also named Denise, invited me to the Bible study she led. I’ve never been much of a joiner, but I went. When our usual gathering place wasn’t available, the women began meeting at my house.
At the start of each meeting, we sang a hymn. Percy, my puppy, sang along. I’d forgotten how much I loved to sing.
By the time we had our final brunch, I knew I would miss these women until next summer. I hadn’t expected that when I accepted Denise’s invitation. But by then we’d spent enough mornings together that I knew who I was going to miss.
I’ve also become friends with Susan through our commitment to Sleeping Bear Forever. We had a reason to spend time together because we cared about the same place. That took some of the awkwardness out of getting to know each other. We already had something in common we wanted to talk about.
Think of someone you already enjoy seeing—a neighbor, another dog walker, someone you volunteer with. The next time you’re talking, you might say, “I always enjoy talking with you. Would you like to get coffee next week?” Or if you’re already going somewhere they might enjoy, ask if they’d like to come along.
Several of my friends have made friends by getting together in the morning to walk their dogs on deserted beaches. Another does a sunrise walk with her neighbors. Whoever shows up walks together every day.
Make friendship a priority without keeping score
My niece Michelle has friends from elementary school, high school, college, work, and church. I’ve admired that for years, so I finally asked her how she does it. She took the question as an opportunity to consider how she makes and keeps her large group of friends.
Michelle likes people and is curious about them. She also makes an effort: she sends a quick text, remembers what someone has coming up, and tries to show up for the happy occasions and the hard ones. She appreciates it when people do the same for her. But as she put it, “a lack of communication doesn’t always mean a lack of love.” She wants to be able to pick up where she left off with a friend without either person having to apologize for the time that passed.
If someone comes to mind whom you haven’t heard from in a while, you can reach out. You don’t need to explain how much time has passed or make excuses for not calling sooner. “I thought of you today and wondered how you’re doing” is enough to begin. And if they mentioned something coming up the last time you talked, ask how it went. Or, ask about the kids. Or what they’re excited about. The ors stretch out forever.
That’s the part I was most interested to hear from her. I can make an effort without measuring the other person’s. And when I’m the one who’s tired or busy, I can give myself the same grace I’d give a friend.
Make room for people
I’m also learning to make room for what other people offer. When I think about building a life since Bill died, I tend to think about what I need to do: make a plan, invite someone, get myself out of the house. But some of that life arrives because another person makes an effort. Denise invites me to her group. Scott makes a pie. I give Denise cornbread, and she brings me chili. Kathy and Rick invited all of the neighbors for dinner, and we talked for hours.
Percy, who has never had to remind himself to make friendship a priority, is delighted when neighbors and his trainer come over.
There are people I already know whom I’d like to see more often. I can tell them that. And there are invitations I might once have declined simply because I was happy being by myself at home.
I’m noticing how much a brief conversation can add to a day I’m otherwise happy to spend alone. Just saying hi on your morning walk to a neighbor sitting on their porch. Or attending a book discussion group in the meeting room of my condo building.
I can say yes to some invitations and seek opportunities for interaction. I can see what happens.
Now that I’ve left Glen Arbor, I miss the lake and the sound of the waves. I expect to miss those things. What surprises me is how many people I’m already looking forward to seeing when I go back next summer.
Continue the Conversation
How did someone you now count as a friend first become part of your life? I’d love to hear as much of your story as you feel comfortable sharing in the comments.
Next, I’ll explore how we find a sense of belonging as our lives change.
I’ve been thinking about this in Substack Notes, too. In my Note about borrowing a chair, I wrote about how a brief conversation can brighten a day even if it never becomes a friendship. And the Note about an apple pie reminded me how often someone else makes the first move.
What kind of world do you want to live in?
ValuesCrafting begins with the belief that every person matters and that our ordinary choices help create the world we share.
Live what you believe. Create the world you want to live in.